题目

帮我改下托福作文吧万谢~~~
Nowadays, with the rapid development of science and technology, people are facing with a lot of new challenges and pressure. It is undeniable that the advent of the internet changes people's way of working and studying. By using the internet people can get in touch with others from all over the world, and can get the up-to-date information they want, which brings more efficiency and convenience to their daily work. So some people suggest that we can now work only three days a week with long hours rather than work 5 days a week with regular hours. Basically I agree with this proposal for the following reasons.
First, people can concentrate more on their work in order to finish it in 3 days. Setting aside a long period of time to do one task is less time-consuming and people will not be distract by other things easily. For instance, before the exam, I'd like to spend the whole day reviewing the concepts and doing some exercise rather than spending several days to go over the book. And I find out that by focusing on one subject I can better understand the structure of the subject and learn more efficiently. Also I usually get high marks by doing this.
In addition, you can have 4 days off after the intense work, so you can use these days to do things you like. With this four-day span, people can update their knowledge, learn a new ability, hang out with their friends, and take care of their families. For instance, a husband can go to the supermarket to buy some ingredients and cook a delicious meal to his family to express his love and care. Similarly, a son can go home to spend the weekends with his parents to show his care and comfort. Moreover, the man can even use the whole day to sleep and use the rest day to hang out with their friends or learn to speak a foreign language which will do good for his work. Even if a man is a huge fan of photography, he can go to the mountains to take fabulous photos. These things will bring people much closer and make people's life brighter as well.
Admittedly, this high-intensive work may lead to bad health for that people live a irregular lifestyle. But people can use the rest 4 days to have a rest to balance their sleeping hours.
From all above, we can see the advantages of 3-day work overweigh the downsides. So I think it is better to work 3 days and have a long rest.

提问时间：2020-12-05

答案

我觉得很不错了,层次鲜明,读起来很顺口,语言功底很强.但是,我认为,第一段有些长了,你大概用了4行讲了些和主题没关系的,我知道是模板,但确实有点长,你把从第三句开始改变成相关一点的.XDF大牛说一般50~100就应该切题了.
你用的++ -的写法,很显然,negative有点单薄啊,既然分段了,字数少一眼就看出来了呀,或者你把它放在最后一段,当然不如丰富点好.
最后结尾段应该稍微说一下你positive的观点,带两句：Since people can be more concentrative and efffective at their working time,and have more time to do whatever they want,we can easily draw the conclusion that …
我觉得独立写作GOOD可能擦边,但是综合写作要也这个水平,24+有了吧.你写的比我好呢,我说说我的看法,大家共同进步!