题目

请帮忙批改下我的托福独立作文,7月23号就要考试了!
刚开始准备作文,写的第一篇和第二篇作文.麻烦帮忙修改下,然后我这两篇作文请问可以拿多少分?我会按修改好坏加分滴~10到30分不等!
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
In order to become financially responsible adults,children should manage their own money at the young age.
我的作文：
With the development of one nation’s per capita income,it is not rare to see that children have more chances to manage their own money at the young age.Consequently,I am so eager to say a few words to this issue.I really consider that if this plan is carried out in the near future,there would be more advantages to be brought to the quality of life of our social community.
And I have several specific reasons for agreeing with it,which are explained in the following paragraphs.Firstly,from a personally and psychological perspective,it is generally believed that managing one’s own money could contribute to building their financial budget,which would definitely save a large amount of money.I want to take a sin

提问时间：2021-04-08

答案

有拼写错误,capita-capital第二点是,在比较正规的文章中,不会出现悬垂结构,你的第一局子就有问题,with the development,后的主语不应是it 而应是children,还有,我在上托福办的时候老师就告诉我,要在第一段就把点子说...