题目

帮忙再看一篇雅思作文
Topic:Nowadays,nurseries and kindergartens take care of children from an early age,so women can return to their work and children can get used to the society early.Is this a good thing?What’s your opinion?
As time passed,our society,a mobile society which new things emergy constantly.Recently,a new topic has already been argued by most young parents who have children to be take care of.Apparently,it is about nurseries and kingdergartens attend children.So mothers of those children release from child-caring to do their tasks and the children also could appoach the society earlier than they do before.
Some couples think this phenomenon is a good sign to both mothers and children.They believe that to give their children to nurseries and kindergartens,the mothers can concentrate their energy on career rather than on their children.Without distract by worrying about children,women will do better in their jobs.This is what modern life needs.Women should work more than

提问时间：2021-12-09

答案

In our modern mobile society, it is correct to say change is the only constant and new things always emerge out at a shocking speed. Recently, a new topic has already been argued by most young parents who have children to be take care of. Apparently, it is about nurseries and kindergartens that attend to children. As a result mothers of these children are released from child-caring to return to work. Moreover children could be able to immerse in the society earlier than they did before.
Some couples think this phenomenon is a good sign to both mothers and children. They believe that keeping their children at nurseries and kindergartens enables mothers to concentrate on their careers rather than on their children. Without being distracted by their children, women can achieve better in their jobs. This is what modern life needs. Women should work instead of taking care of their children which in turn can decrease burden of their husbands in supporting the family financially.
However, there is people regard working women as irresponsible. They argue that though the emergence of nurseries and kindergartens brings convenience and benefits to most parents, the problems it brings should not be ignored any way. They think mothers have the obligations to take care of their children both physically and mentally. Furthermore, they doubt whether nurseries and kindergartens can love children as much as their mothers do.
By comparing the views mentioned above. I strongly support the second opinion. I do not think to leave children to other persons in order to work better is an appropriate behavior as a mature mother.
Comments:
I think your essay is lacking of explanation and of course evaluations. Why does our modern society need women to work and achieve better in their careers? You have a generalization here. If the husband can earn enough to support the family, do our society still need women to return to work? Your analysis is quite blurring here.
You have given views from both sides and this is good. However, you did not show efforts in comparing the views but just say you strongly agree with the view that women should not return work in spite of the advantages brought by nurseries and kindergartens.
Moreover, you need to take care of your grammars and languages.