题目

请高手看看本篇作文雅思几分?
大概就是说富国该不该帮助穷国发展?
There is an argument that whether developed countries should offer help to poorer countries if they can not afford the enough cost on domestic education,on hospitals and on the business with foreign countries.Personally,I suppose richer countries need to finance the countries involved with poverty.It is well-known that western countries had made great changes after the Industrial Revolution,from then on,a variety of capitalized countries went on to a road to fortune without any stagger.Many raw-materials,labors and money flew into these quick developing countries from their colony which mostly are recognized as poorer countries today where almost located in Africa and some parts of Asia.
Leaving aside these historic reasons,modern technology has brought the Earth into a village,that is to say,every country is much more easily influenced by others than ever before.Rich countries cannot highly develop by themselves without support from developing countries.So that,we can put responsibility of rich countries into account when we are discussing the problem of poverty.In contrary,some people,but not most,thought the poorer countries should not be financialized by rich countries.Actually,contribute to this kind of view,we are now facing the problem of terrorism all over the world.The great difference between the rich and the pauper create the uncertainty and instability of human's future.
All in all,I deeply agree with the idea about rich countries taking more responsibility on helping the poorer counterparts.That is essential to the final concord of all the human beings.

提问时间：2020-10-25

答案

我边看边评论,不好意思如果我有些地方说的太重,我希望尽最大可能帮到你.
首先第一句不够地道,there is an argument about,一般不加that,另外,雅思作文开头写的都是宏观的那种概况,不会直接来Argument,也就是说,你可以先说nowadays,.世界怎么样,强国怎么样,弱国怎么样之类的,但是要短.看下去,发现第一句太长,后面的那个if从句可以断掉,老外改的时候你这样的句子他们八成看不懂,其实有时候简单句也挺清楚的,建议分开写.involved with poverty?这个,有些中文了,你可以说poorer countries呀,或者说,countries with serious poverty,之类的,反正一切从简.后面一句可以把where 提前,Many raw-materials,labors and money flew into these quick developing countries where almost located in Africa and some parts of Asia,from their colony which mostly are recognized as poorer countries today .这样句式清楚很多,不然Where放后面,又是太长了.用逗号隔开,清楚些,而且老师喜欢这类格式,高分句哦.bring into...可能是turn into 更好.a village can be a global village.错误词组,on contraty.So that,we can put responsibility of rich countries into account when （we are ）discussing the problem 可省括号内的.恐怖组织应该和贫穷关系不大吧?政治宗教原因?我接受,但换我写我不会写这点.
文章结构不是很清楚.
详略不分明.
加上句式有些了乱.
但有很多点睛词汇.
所以我觉得5分到6分这样.
5点5应该有的.